Temporary Shower

So it's been awhile. After A and I broke up, I needed time to think. He wanted to get back together but in the end, I broke both our hearts by letting him go. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done and I'd be lying if I said I don't think about it still. That said, a lot of has happened. I volunteered for Sundance for the first time and it was a great experience. Provided that they will have me, I will try to volunteer again next year. I've also been traveling a lot. I went to the grand canyon with some friends last weekend, Mccall two weekends before that and in the midst of all this, I got to attend two conferences: a developmental biology conference and a translational medicine conference  I also found out that my developmental training grant was rejected....I may try again in the fall because the reviews weren't terrible and I kind of knew it was a long shot this time. I have a busy month ahead....gordon conferance, first committee meeting, LMS...

So I broke up with A yesterday. It was hard and took me a lot of thinking but I think it was for the best. I believe that love should be easy for the most part and that two people should not have to compromise so much. I also believe that communication is key to any relationship and I realized that A and I were just bad at  it. I never wanted to tell him my feelings for fear of angering him or pushing him away and when he gets upset, he just ask for a break. Such a relationship could never work and instead of torturing myself, I decided to let things go. That said, this relationship has taught me a lot about who I am and what I want. I still think A is a great guy and hopefully some lucky girl will love him like he deserves some day but I also think I'm pretty great too. I know that is very arrogant of me but I believe I deserve a great love. I believe I deserve to want to come home to someone each day and wake up by their side each morning. I think relationships are hard and I ...

I am back from my Thanksgiving break with Alex's parents in Texas. They were lovely and I had a great time for the most part but I realized how trying it is to spend that much time with someone else's family (especially if you care for that someone else). I think what made it easier is that Alex was good at being by my side and assuring me that things will work out. I am also back from my Christmas vacation. Alex and I went to Florida where we a) spent some time with Alex's sister b) went on a cruise to the Bahamas c) ran our first (and perhaps only) half marathon d) went to Disney Land, e) went to Universal Studios, and f) went to Key west. It was a long (and for the most part a merry) trip but now I am exhausted. Coming back has been hard. It is always difficult getting back into the swing of things and with Lilly/old friends in town, I can't seem to find time to catch my breath. That said, I am enjoying every minute of their company. Next month, I am looking f...

It has been more then a year since I've left med school to enter my PhD and I have to say that though a lot has changed, some things have stayed the same. Although my friends went on without me, I have still enjoyed their company (even through the tedious third year). I think it helps that my roommate is also my closest friend but it is nice to know that your path does not define your friendship. That said, it has been especially hard this year to watch them take Step 2, apply for residences, teach first year students, interview med school applicants, and go on interviews themselves. I feel like their lives have picked up and the excitement of their residency discussion feeds into my insecurities: Will they all leave? Will we still stay in touch? Will I be left friendless here? Will I feel the same excitement and joy when I go through residence application/interviews without them in a few years? Only time will tell.... In the past year, I have also learned what ...

Lately I have been thinking about justice. Diseases of the human body are unjust: non-smokers get lung cancer, viruses are non-discriminatory, and hospitals are full of infections that make patients worse. I wonder if acceptance of such things has made us immune to injustices and it saddens me to think that I am a part of a population that turns a blind eye to the unjust plight of others. I loved Burma when I went there and I was fortunate to stay with my friend's family who were very well-off and very devote doctors yet they employed young girls as maids. Though I understand these girls could have been met with a worse fate, their lives are not easy. Waking up at 6/7am every day, they do the majority of the housework, cooking, cleaning, etc just to have a roof over their heads. I remember that on my third day there, the heat overtook my senses and I became physically ill. I awoke the next day with a fever but what surprised me more was the child maid (14 years old) sleepin...

I know I haven't written in awhile but after my grandmother's death, I just didn't feel like doing much of anything, then I got sick, work got busy, bf came home, etc etc. Now I am just updating :) Last month was good (besides the sick part). I went and saw both Avenue Q and In the Heights with Alex (both very good plays). I tried running more, going to the gym more, and have managed to finish all the experiments I need for a paper. Now I'm trying to decide what to do next work wise and stressing about my department RIP (Research In Progress). I had thought that after giving so many talks, I would be less nervous but that is not true. I still like to over prepare, give tons of practice talks and invited people that can help me answer questions I don't know. On the family front, Baby celebrated her fifth birthday. My parents had a big party for her at the little gym and she seemed to have enjoyed herself. Lil also celebrated her birthday but sadly, I wasn'...

Death has been haunting me lately. The fragility of life sits close to my heart and breath words like sudden, near, and tragic. We work hard in medical school to preserve life but few mention how science fails, how doctors (oh that holy station) are merely human beings endowed with the knowledge to heal. Yet nothing healed my grandmother. Did the doctors that looked at her CT scan shed a tear for the quarter film of dark contrast? Did the nurse that pulled the plug pray for her safe passing? Will I when I finally become a doctor? These are questions that bother me. It generates moments during the day: I mourn newly made memories as if they are the last, I linger over bodies of lab mice, and I dream of 1st year cadavers. How is it that most of us enter this world in the same way...so predicatable, reproducible, and wonderful yet, we exit woefully to different schedules and in different ways? Is the metronome slowing for my parents? for my teachers? for me? Is learning to stop it, slo...