Dear Caila 17 months Old

Dear Caila,

Nobody told me that being a mother meant worrying all the time but that is literally all I do and it is especially hard to stop worrying when you are away from me. There are times when you are with your dad, aunts, or grandparents when I allow myself to take a breath but now that you have started daycare, the worry is almost unbearable sometimes. I think a lot of it steams from the fact that I miss you. I miss us and all the specials days I got to spend with you over the last year.

In two weeks, I will start residency and my time will no longer be mine. Of course we tried to set up my schedule so I can maximize time off with you but it will not be the same. Most weeks, I will only get one day off and it will be rare to see you on the other 6 nights since you go to bed at 7. I hope you will understand that this period of training is crucial to my career but I will always miss and worry about you when I am away.

Today, when I dropped you off at daycare, you clung to me and cried. I sat you down at the breakfast table with all your other little classmates and walked out. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do and I cried by the time I got to my car. I know that ultimately this is necessary, that it has been a privilege to have had so much time off with you, and that helping you transition helps both of us but it is still SO hard. I miss you Caila bear and it is taking all my will power not to just go and get you but I hope you flourish. I hope we both do.

Love,

Mom