Temporary Shower

Ugh, can’t believe it’s already March. I am officially halfway through spring semester and I have to say, it doesn’t feel like it. This is partly because I haven’t really gone to class and partly because the baby has consumed my life. Caila is now over 2 month old and she is SO cute. Life has settle a bit. Yes, breastfeeding is still hard but not as hard as before and Caila is starting to settle into a routine. She has been such a good baby the last week! She is sleeping 3-5hr stretches at night and napping independently during the day. I still cuddle her and wear her at times but next week is spring break and I want to get her napping by herself throughout the day so that’s what we will be working on. I still can’t believe I am a mom. It is so weird how much life has changed. Instead of hanging out and watching TV at night, Dave and I are frantically trying to get Caila down, eat, shower, study, etc but she is so worth it. Her smiles and coos make my day and it’s just fun watchi...

Dear Caila I can’t believe you are over a month old already. Remember the weight gain issue? Well…we supplemented you with 1oz of formula for 4 days and you gained enough weight for us to try exclusively breastfeeding again. Around this time, I couldn’t take the breastfeeding pain anymore so I started to pump my right breast for you…giving that nipple a chance to heal. It was such a roller-coaster but the whole experience taught me that I am ok with formula feeding. Somehow, I thought an inability to breastfeed you meant some failure on my part. I am sure I will learn to overcome many such misconceptions in the future. Anyways, it’s been a few weeks and you are now almost exclusively breastfed.   I still worry about my supply going forward but at least we have formula to keep you happy and full. I am sure all that breastfeeding talk is not what you are interested in but I wanted to document it in case you go through the same thing with your own children someday. It’s weir...

Dear Caila, You are now 1.5 weeks old. You came into this world a stubborn little thing. We had a hard time getting to the pushing phase. I went in at 7am on Jan 1 2cm dilated and maybe progressed to 3cm on high-dose Pitocin by 8pm. But then, mommy got an epidural. Before I knew it, it was 5am and we were ready to push! I pushed you for 3 hours! It turns out you were not as small as we thought. I don’t know how to describe the shear pain, joy, and relief at the moment you came into this world. You were SO chubby! I still can’t believe I was able to push all 8lbs and 2.5 ozs of you out but here you are…..1.5 weeks later and sleeping soundly in your pack n play Oh darling, the last week has been some of the best and worst in my entire life. The stress, worry, and sleepless nights were juxtaposed by watching your sweet cheeks, curious eyes, and the love everyone has for you. Highlights include having your aunt Lilly around for a few days to help take care of us, watching your da...

Dear Caila, It is officially your birthday and I am so scared and excited to meet you. For the past 39 weeks, you have only been a figment of my imagination. I wonder what you will look like; will you have more of my features or your dad? Gosh I hope you are fat and cute!.....but not too fat so I can push you out faster haha. I have know all my life that I wanted to be a mother but now that the time is near, I am plagued by worry. How will I keep you safe? How will I teach you to be strong, smart, independent women? I am nervous to hold you for the first time, for the potential ups and downs of the first few weeks, and for the inevitable change that is about to take place in my life. I am scared about the pain of childbirth and feel a bit guilty that I am inducing you early. But love….I want more time with you and I hope you will forgive me. Besides, the world will light up with fireworks every year you are here J Oh little one, I will miss having you in my stomach. You h...

Today is a sad day for me. I spent last night watching the election with my husband and when we went to bed at 10pm, I still had hope that Hillary would win. But alas, at 3am when I got up to use the restroom, I found out that I was wrong….indeed we were all wrong. The shock kept me awake and worry/fear soon followed. I honestly don’t know how to express all the emotions I have felt in the last day but I know this: I am nervous about bringing a child into this world. I am scared about the repercussion of nationalism, the future repercussion of turning a blind eye to global warming, and the wall we will build to both isolate and doom ourselves. I want my daughter to know that there are still good people in this world and that hopefully she will be amongst them. I want her to trust the democratic process and to appreciate her birthright: freedom, gender equality, diversity, and justice. However, today for the first time, I am not sure this will be her inheritance. ...