On Growth and Regression

It is interesting the range of growth and regression one goes through in the third year of medical school. I had a moment of awe today as I realized just how much I’ve learned since starting this journey. What use to be hard; pre-rounding on my patients, writing notes, reading labs/images is now second nature but I am also awed by how much I have regressed. I use to walk into patient rooms scared to do harms; my senses hyperaware of their pain, feelings, history, and mood. Now, I find I am cavalier….more concerned with the scut then the patient.

This morning, for instance, I was stressed about a particular patient whom I knew nothing about and by some unfortunate circumstance ended on my to-do roster. I went into his room to get the 24 hour events and he proceeded to give me a play-by-play of his entire last week. At first, I was frustrated by how much time he was talking. I rushed through a physical exam as he talked and churned my mind for a good excuse to leave. It then hit me that I didn’t care anymore. Here was a man who was perhaps a father, a grandfather, a lover, and a veteran; a man that was under my care. Yet, all I cared about is getting his numbers to my resident before morning rounds. I am not sure when this regression happened, just as I am not cognizant of when I started feeling comfortable in this new role but the juxtaposition is distressing. Is the appearance of caring enough? Are there times when numbers mean more than the patient?  Is the anatomy of a doctor built on such interactions? These are questions I need to ponder more. I just hope I am not too screwed up by the time I get around to it.