Temporary Shower

I am back from my Thanksgiving break with Alex's parents in Texas. They were lovely and I had a great time for the most part but I realized how trying it is to spend that much time with someone else's family (especially if you care for that someone else). I think what made it easier is that Alex was good at being by my side and assuring me that things will work out. I am also back from my Christmas vacation. Alex and I went to Florida where we a) spent some time with Alex's sister b) went on a cruise to the Bahamas c) ran our first (and perhaps only) half marathon d) went to Disney Land, e) went to Universal Studios, and f) went to Key west. It was a long (and for the most part a merry) trip but now I am exhausted. Coming back has been hard. It is always difficult getting back into the swing of things and with Lilly/old friends in town, I can't seem to find time to catch my breath. That said, I am enjoying every minute of their company. Next month, I am looking f

It has been more then a year since I've left med school to enter my PhD and I have to say that though a lot has changed, some things have stayed the same. Although my friends went on without me, I have still enjoyed their company (even through the tedious third year). I think it helps that my roommate is also my closest friend but it is nice to know that your path does not define your friendship. That said, it has been especially hard this year to watch them take Step 2, apply for residences, teach first year students, interview med school applicants, and go on interviews themselves. I feel like their lives have picked up and the excitement of their residency discussion feeds into my insecurities: Will they all leave? Will we still stay in touch? Will I be left friendless here? Will I feel the same excitement and joy when I go through residence application/interviews without them in a few years? Only time will tell.... In the past year, I have also learned what it mean to love

Lately I have been thinking about justice. Diseases of the human body are unjust: non-smokers get lung cancer, viruses are non-discriminatory, and hospitals are full of infections that make patients worse. I wonder if acceptance of such things has made us immune to injustices and it saddens me to think that I am a part of a population that turns a blind eye to the unjust plight of others. I loved Burma when I went there and I was fortunate to stay with my friend's family who were very well-off and very devote doctors yet they employed young girls as maids. Though I understand these girls could have been met with a worse fate, their lives are not easy. Waking up at 6/7am every day, they do the majority of the housework, cooking, cleaning, etc just to have a roof over their heads. I remember that on my third day there, the heat overtook my senses and I became physically ill. I awoke the next day with a fever but what surprised me more was the child maid (14 years old) sleeping on

I know I haven't written in awhile but after my grandmother's death, I just didn't feel like doing much of anything, then I got sick, work got busy, bf came home, etc etc. Now I am just updating :) Last month was good (besides the sick part). I went and saw both Avenue Q and In the Heights with Alex (both very good plays). I tried running more, going to the gym more, and have managed to finish all the experiments I need for a paper. Now I'm trying to decide what to do next work wise and stressing about my department RIP (Research In Progress). I had thought that after giving so many talks, I would be less nervous but that is not true. I still like to over prepare, give tons of practice talks and invited people that can help me answer questions I don't know. On the family front, Baby celebrated her fifth birthday. My parents had a big party for her at the little gym and she seemed to have enjoyed herself. Lil also celebrated her birthday but sadly, I wasn'

Death has been haunting me lately. The fragility of life sits close to my heart and breath words like sudden, near, and tragic. We work hard in medical school to preserve life but few mention how science fails, how doctors (oh that holy station) are merely human beings endowed with the knowledge to heal. Yet nothing healed my grandmother. Did the doctors that looked at her CT scan shed a tear for the quarter film of dark contrast? Did the nurse that pulled the plug pray for her safe passing? Will I when I finally become a doctor? These are questions that bother me. It generates moments during the day: I mourn newly made memories as if they are the last, I linger over bodies of lab mice, and I dream of 1st year cadavers. How is it that most of us enter this world in the same way...so predicatable, reproducible, and wonderful yet, we exit woefully to different schedules and in different ways? Is the metronome slowing for my parents? for my teachers? for me? Is learning to stop it, slo

YAY! I passed my prelims which means I am officially a PhD candidate. I thought I would be ecstatic but to be honest, I was kind of blah about the whole thing. I think a part of me really liked being in prelims because I got to set my own schedule and I didn't have anyone breathing down my neck during that time. After prelims, Alex and I had three whole days before he left for China/Taiwan. We ran errands, have a blast at lagoon, and just enjoyed each other's company. Now he is aboard for a conference and to visit his relatives. I miss him. Getting back into lab has been hard. The person I thought I would be working with for the next few years has been moved onto another project. I understand but I feel really alone. I'm trying to juggle two projects and one I have no clue where it is headed. My boss wants a millions things done and I just worry I won't have enough time to do all that AND make a paper so that I can get out in 3 more years. There is no way I want to

It has been awhile and all I have done is play (with work squeezed in between). Here is a recap: First I went to Zion with Alex to teach wilderness med again. We skipped Angle's landing because my friend Ashlie's bf had a busted knee but then we decided to do east rim trail and it was not only steeper but longer then angle's landing. Many hours later, we were exhausted but it was beautiful: Then Alex and I went to Lava Hot springs in Idaho where we spent a weekend relaxing. The hotel we stayed at had a gigantic hot tub that we filled up with mineral water. Alex brought rose pedals and we soaked for a long time.....loved it/him! We then went to San Francisco for a friend's wedding. Alex and I had a good time eating and just hanging out with Lilly: After we got back, we decided to be super active: And this past week, I went on a road trip with my roommate and her friend. We went to vegas, yosemite, napa, monterey, and back to vegas where

So the weekend after I got back from Hawaii, I went to Moab to help teach the Wilderness Medicine Course there. It was my first time teaching for Wilderness Med and I had a great time. We basically ran through various scenarios with the students to see how they would assess different situations. My scenario was fairly easy: man went on hike and had too much water so was hyponatremic (low sodium). Alex and my friend Ash (a fellow instructor) came with me. We stayed in a hotel Friday night and went to Canyonlands Saturday afternoon for camping/hiking. I forgot to refill my tank so my car was low on gas by the time we reached Canyonlands but lucky me...we found a gas station near needles outlook and the lady there told us about a nice camping spot since the ones in the park were full. It was exciting because we had to go off the road, through a fence (the lady told us where the fence can be lifted up) and drive on a dirt road to get to the campsite.....my poor car barely made it. Post

Wow....time flies. I went to Maui last week with my parents and it was AMAZING! We spent two days on the "Road to Hana" hiking to colored pools and waterfalls. Baby is at an age where she like to do everything herself so we had to convince her to hold our hand while hiking by telling her that she is protecting us. lol. We then went to a nice condo on the beach and spend one day swimming/eating/relaxing (culminating with a show) and then another day snorkeling. I've never been snorkeling before (well...at least not via boat out to various hot spots). It was like a mini-cruise filled with food and maitais. Hehe.....I had a lot of beer and maitais and saw a lot of pretty fish (underwater pictures soon to come). On my last day, we went to another beach and baby built sand castles while my dad and I swam. I only wish Lilly could have joined us but I think we be going back someday. Coming back to SLC was hard (esp with my parents staying in Maui for another week). Alex tem

So...a lot has happened since I last wrote which isn't even THAT long ago. I went to Stanford this past weekend for the annual LMSA (Latino Medical Student Association) conference.....yes I know I'm not Latino but I have many friends who are. Besides, my roommate and her boyfriend are very involved in the program and I like to volunteer for LMSA from time to time. Long story short, when the opportunity to go to Stanford presented itself, I went and had a blast! I got to see Lilly for a few hows :) She was able to show me some of her beautiful campus. Then I attended a few lectures for LMSA followed by a banquet in which many Latinos recounted their struggles in our education system and their desire to succeed. I found that though I am not Latino, I connected with their stories. I think any immigrant going the medicine has somewhat different goals. For most of us, there is a desire to help our communities and people from our own ethnic backgrounds. We realize that not only w

I had an amazing weekend....went to the new outdoor mall (City Creek) with my sister Saturday. We shopped for hours. I haven't shopped like that in such a long time! It was clear and beautiful and everything was so new :) Needless to say, I spend a lot of money. The only down side was watching my dad and sister debate her education over dinner. It was stressful because I can see my dad's side yet I don't want to go against my sister. Lilly ended up staying with me that night and it was nice. We made pumpkin cheesecakes, watched Touched online, and took some model shots of each other...like old times. On Sunday, I hung out with Alex. He was gracious enough to wait for me at Ikea cause I was running late (from oversleeping). I love ikea! I got a new nightstand, a throw, a lamp, and some food containers. Then we went back to Alex's place and watched Pride and Prejudice....hehe....he wasn't kidding when he said it is his favorite movie...he could even quote the lines

Today was amazing. Work was slow since I didn't have any animal projects so I just ran around reading papers, getting coffee with friends, going to vendor shows, etc....it was nice. I then had B2B meeting with my team. I think we are close to finishing our project for the big competition next week....I am excited. Alex and I planned on seeing the play "Laughing Stock" today but I saw it with my mom last week and was pretty bored of it by the end so instead, we decided to hike the living room. However, the clouds moved in mid-afternoon and I thought it might rain. Alex (being a good sport) was up for doing the hike anyways so we did....in the rain...and it was amazing. Minus the wrong shoes on Alex's part and a few falls, we made it up and down. It was nice because we were the only ones hiking so we had the whole view to ourselves....it was quite an adventure :) We then got sushi at Ahh Sushi...half off night :) Alex and I had gigantic $3 beers but he got slightly

So moab trip was great (see pics below) and my journal club went decently well. They told me I have to use more scientific language and order my introduction better but overall I think the department was impressed I picked a hard topic on a model organism I know very little about. Up next is a trip to St. George. I am only kindof excited now about the weekend trip because Lilly called tonight to talk about her major/being premed. She seems set on quitting it all which is fine but I guess I was a little upset because a) she is so close to finishing and I just don't want her to lose opportunities and b) it's my birthday and the call kindof ruined it. I immediately started worrying about how my dad would react....he has sacrificed a lot for Lilly and I. The one thing he wished for us is job security and by having Lilly do premed, he hoped that at least she will have something to fall back on and she is just so darn close. sigh Besides that, I had an amazing birthday. Experime

I was at a coffee shop tonight with a friend and she mentioned a movie she saw called "The Whistleblower". The whole thing got us talking about human trafficking and I was surprised by the anger she felt and the genuine pain. I guess I have struggled for years with similar emotions towards inhumanity. It baffles me how one human being can be so cruel to another. In talking with Ash, I have decided that the best way to combat such issues is speak out so I wrote two poems...one on trafficking and the other on child abuse. I haven't mention this before because it so very personal but fear, shame, guilt, and pain are not excuses for silence. To Traffickers If I paint the face of your mother and your sister Over hers would you still do what you have done? Pull the soul out, tack it to a dirty window, and smear it with your hands? Who taught you that life’s fragility disappears with continuous use? Yet you use, abuse, confuse… If I chained her to you, would your con

Since I can't sleep (side effect of napping from 7-12pm) I decided to read some of my past posts and I realized I've been kind of depressed. Sorry about that. It's unbelievable to me how hard these past eight months have been! The rewards of science are few and far between and people who survive either feed off of small successes (in hopes of bigger ones of course) or they just have a more stable personality then I. I've never thought about quitting anything more then I have thought about quitting this. Even today, I cried, laughed, made an advance in my project, and still don't feel very accomplished. I think I need to learn not to tie my self esteem to my job. The thing is, I don't have much else right now. My friends/family are busy and they have enough of their own problems to deal with so here I am depressing you every time I blog. In case you think I'm manically depressed, I have found avenues to destress: of late, I've been cooking A LOT. Here

I had lab meeting this morning and it was an unpleasant experience like always. This time was even worse.... unbeknownst to me, the new mice I've been working with for the past week were all conditional knockouts made with an inducible cre (this basically means you have to inject something to knockout your gene of interest). Hence, I was rather embarrassed to find (during lab meeting) that I have been doing 10+ hour experiments on WT mice. Like Matt said....I now have a lot of negative controls. No wonder why I didn't find any differences between the controls and "supposed" knockouts. lol. In other news, I have a few hurdles to overcome before the month is over (some fun and some not so fun). In chronological order: re-write a rebuttle for a paper go to moab with Ash (hopefully next weekend depending on how far I get with my journal club talk) give said journal club talk to my department (eeek...another dreaded presentation and this time on c.elegan genetics!) g

Form an anchor like a cell holding onto fibrinogen Then expand and spread! Be nourished by the knowledge that you are bathed in a culture you belong Reach out your tendrils and Seek what may be your demise Remember: your presence is transient But mine depends

I think it is good to periodically define what we want from life. I had a list in High school and one in college and so...I will make another now: This is what I hope for 1) longevity for my family and friends. Nothing is more important to me then being surrounded by people I love. They have pulled me, dragged me, pushed me, supported me, etc into the person I am 2) a good family and dare I hope it....a great love 3) A career that I can be proud of 4) Time....for family, travel, humanitarian work, and life's little pleasures 5) humbleness in the face of success and courage in the face of adversity.

This is going to be a somewhat depressing entry on humanity and science. I think we all enter med school with notions like "we are going to help"...."we will save lives" etc. but to get there is somewhat of a struggle. Up to this point, we are supported by our parents, our peers and deep down, each of us believes we can do this....whether we want to be a doctor or engineer or any type of high functioning members of society. Yet it is ironic that as we advance, we start getting pushed down. It has been my observation that the weak get trampled. If you are not emotionally strong, a bit selfish, or a bit uncaring, comments from resident/attendings/PIs can really eat away at you. What hurts the most is not just going through this "higher education" system myself but also watching it destroy someone close to me. Do I say something? Do I stand by and do nothing because I've worked so hard to get to this point? I have resolved to say something but so far, co

Things have been hectic. As I become more and more acclimated to the lab environment, it seems like there is more and more to do. I honestly don't know how people in my lab can work 10+ hours per day, 7 days a week. I get tired after 2 hours in the mouse house. On top of that, I get sick of people too. It's not that I dislike people in my lab. It's just that I am learning being quiet and keeping to yourself is the best way to be...less people bothering you with stuff, asking you questions, and distracting you from what matter...getting your experiments done so you can get the hell out. In other news, I am super excited to go to Bear lake with friends this weekend and death valley with my MD/PhD class next weekend. I'm a little sad that I'll miss my sister because she will come home president's day weekend but I will make it up to her during spring break because we are going on a trip together. The only bad thing is that I sprained my ankle pretty bad on Sa