Temporary Shower

I know I haven't written in awhile but I've been busy. Research picked up even more especially now that I am running things all on my own. The freedom is both nice and terrifying but at least I feel like there are people in my lab I can fall back on. I'm slowly beginning to appreciate my PI. I think you can tell when your PI really cares...like the way they pimp you on basic questions knowing you will go through prelims in the spring or the way they never let you back down from your opinion. As he challenges me, I am becoming more confident in myself and things there were hard only weeks ago are no longer hard. The hard part is juggling my person life. I haven't been to the gym in two weeks and I feel fat. Haha...I know most girls do from time to time but I just feel unhealthy. Most days, I don't leave lab till 9 or 10 and the only place open at that hour is McDonald's and other unhealthy fast food joints. I'm also dating someone which makes things even

Great New! I did well on my immunology test and I was able to get 2 wks off for Christmas from my boss so I'm officially going to China!. Now onto buying tickets and visas! Bad news....a friend from lab found out recently that she has to return to China much sooner then she anticipated. She was planning on staying till December but she is now leaving tomorrow. I feel bad for her but I also feel sorry for myself since I really really liked her. The whole situation made me think about how disconcerting life can be at times. That said, cancer boy contacted me and told me via email that he is all better. He also asked if I'd give him another chance and I said yes. Normally, I'd run away due to fear (esp fear of hurting him) but recent events have taught me that I have to take more risks...even if I'm not ready for them. I once told a dear friend that if we worry about hurting others, we are depriving ourselves from happiness. She gave the same advice back to me tonight.

I am sitting at Starbucks trying to cram for my Immunology exam tomorrow. It's weird to be studying for tests again, esp since this grad class is full of undergrads. In fact, the class goes at an undergrad pace so I find myself sleeping through most of it. This puts me in a per-curious situation because I now have to teach myself everything covered in the past 8 lectures. The good news is that that I know most of this stuff already from my med school immuno class so hopefully I'll be fine :) As for developments in my personal life....sigh...I started dating a guy who is new to the area so I'm like his first/only friend. He then found out he has testicular cancer. I feel bad but I just couldn't do this so after meeting/talking, we broke things off. I think cancer just hits too close to home for me. My first boyfriend had cancer and one of my residents has Li Frimani syndrome (P53 mutation). After being there for both of them, I just don't have the energy to do this.

Sorry for the long hiatus. Things have been busy but I'm prepping a poster now for our MD/PhD conference in two days. I have no real data but still....I have to present so I'm making do. I'm also learning to balance things again. I'm going to the gym every day now which is really good not only for my body but also for my psyche. And, I'm allowing myself to take time of for family/friends. Haha...I'm even starting to date again but in all seriousness, I'm not sure how long this balance will last. One of the things I'm loving is my roadbike. It's detracting me from running but I still have a month before my half marathon right? RIGHT? Lol...seriously though, I just feel so accomplished after hard rides on my bike. I'm thinking about going on a bike tour sometime next summer.... As for my family, Baby's birthday is coming up. She is turning 4. I remember when she was just a baby....time flies. She is now talking bucket loads and man...I lo

As promised, things are coming up. I successfully made it through my journal club and it went better then I thought. There was an "oh crap" moment when I realized I was on my last slide and there was still 1/2 hour left but people had a lot of questions so time flew by. I got grilled but thankfully, I think I combated the questions well. The chief of infectious disease was present and was very nice. He brought up a lot of good points too. Future mentor perhaps?...a girl's got to use what she can get. Right now, I am on a train to New York and super excited about it. The past 3 days has been filled with festive wedding prep and of course, the wedding itself. My friend was kind enough to let us stay at her beachside house and it was gorgeous. We went swimming in the ocean, bridge jumping, etc. The only downside was all the help required for the wedding. When I get married, remind me not to put friends to work. It is just not worth it. My impression of boston is that is

I've had a couple of bad days starting with my first journal club on Tuesday where I got grilled by my PI. I know it's his style and everything but I just felt SO stupid! Even when he asked me things I knew, I got intimated and had trouble coming up with the answer. The most embarrassing thing is that I cried. Not just like a teardrop either. Sigh. I think all the stress built up and resulted in a flood much like when the Baymeadow dam broke....guess I will have to try harder next time. In addition, I got my Step 1 score back. It was really disappointing. I passed but got about average....I guess I'm good at being average. Haha...this post is a downer too. Sorry...guess it's just been super rough lately. Hopefully my presentation next Wednesday will be better....but seeing as my computer keeps shutting down without saving my powerpoint changes, who knows when I'll be able to complete this. I pray for a better post soon!

Uh....I think the med school to grad school transition is more stressful then studying for boards. I have two presentations coming up. My first TDS (Lab journal club) session next Tuesday then an MD/PhD journal club a week later. The good news is, I am almost ready to go with the first one...just have to run through it few more times to control the nerves. The second presentation is another story. I just started reading today and haven't made much headway. I went running this morning at 7am. Since it was the first run postboards, I was pooped. In addition, I had 5hrs of sleep last night because I hung out with a friend leaving. Add a few hours of lab work today, necessary errands, and family time. Needless to say, I had to take a nap! Sigh. It's SO SO nice outside and all I really want to do is play play play instead of preparing a talk on TRIM21 but work beckons.....at least I'm looking forward to Monday. I will get to do a retinal permeability experiment by myself (and th

I believe that most things in life are attainable....the career you want, the car you wish you had, the house you would like to build. But, the one thing so elusive, and so independent of our own capacities is love. It bothers me that children grow up in loveless homes, that some people grow old lonely, and that all the riches in the world can mean nothing without someone to share it with. They say that love is a choice but I beg to differ. Afterall, how could a child choose to grow up without parents? How can you choose to love someone who will never love you back? Perhaps it's selfish because I have been given so much but if I could ask for one thing....it would be love....not the passionate love of brief circumstance but the hard, gritty love that ages...one that if ripped away, will make all things meaningless....

I knew coming into grad school would be hard but I didn't think it would be this hard. Perhaps it's me putting too much pressure on myself but I just hate disappointing people. Lately, with the lack of sleep comes a new onset of worries...will I be good enough? Am I going to be able to carry a project on my own? Crap I don't understand anything! Crap there won't be anyone to explain it to me! etc If anyone has been in a lab long enough, they know the success of a project is one part hard work, one part luck, and one part who you know so I'm trying to tred carefully and not piss anyone off. This is very tiring. Sometimes, I feel like I should wear a sign that says "Harmless idiot". lol On a different note, my glasses broke so I am wearing my contacts now...I'm not sure how I like them. On the one hand, it is convenient esp when I run/bike but I look really weird. I guess I just need to get use to it and have people around me stop gawking. At the en

Today is one of those days that made me appreciate friends. I don't think I would have made it through two years of med school without the friends I had. As a person who is very Type A, I like to surround myself with a more laid-back crowd and in coming to med school, finding such ppl was my number one priority. I know it's weird but I'm a firm believer that the environment plays a huge role in our mood and the way we see the world. Luckily, I have an amazing group of friend and I know that most of them will be with me throughout life. For those who don't understand: med school is akin to military school. You see the same people 24/7 and you go through a lot of shit so the experience is bonding. The sad thing is, I am watching my friends move forward and I somehow feel like I am being left behind. I know in my previous post, I mentioned how this is a scenic route...the truth is; sometimes I wish I had people to share this route with....

Call me crazy but I actually like being at work on the weekends. There is no one around and I'm free to walk/run around without fear. In addition, I get full access to everything. :) Today I am doing two pull-downs and attempting to genotype. Of course I'm too novice to be entrusted with actual genotype work so as I acclimate to my new role, I am spending my time "checking" other people's work. It's a good thing too because I seem to forget a lot of things....1% gel or 3% gel...3% milk but what exactly do I dilute it with? Such stupidity is best left for the weekends where there is no one around to see me screw up. As a bonus, I don't have to read papers while at work. Instead, I get to do things like...I don't know...update my blog. I don't know about you but in the actual M-F work environment, I always feel obligated to be doing something productive. Even when I'm not doing experiments, I feel like I should be reading papers or something

words drip from your lips like a facut running low If time had been kind, Perhaps you would have learned to talk But as it is, you struggle to capture the world with each syllable

Started the PhD portion of my MD/PhD today and so far so good. I was a bit nervous because I haven't ran an experiment for awhile but luckily all I had to do was a pull-down. I'm glad I wasn't incompetent on my first day back! That said, I'm sure the next month will be a steep learning curve. I have to take over someone's project (meaning learn mouse genetics/how to keep colonies alive) AND I have to help someone else out with there project. I'm excited though! I've always been good with my hands and it's just nice not having to bury my nose in books all the time. I'm currently reading Michael Au's book and it's AMAZING. I LOVE narrative medicine and yes....I consider it leisurely reading. It's weird how a test distorts your perceptive but I actually had a good time cleaning, shopping, writing emails, and updating my life today. I guess mundane stuff becomes "fun" when you don't get to do them that often. On a side note..

So I finally took the beast today and I guess it wasn't as epic as I though it would be. In my mind, it had been a life or death situation. I literally dreamed about it countless times last week. All in all, I have to say that I'm feeling pretty shitty right now. I just hope I passed and with a decent enough score to get into residency. Yuck. I keep thinking about all the questions I missed. Things I should of known (and did at one point) like the difference between positive sensing and negative sensing RNAs etc. I "lucked" out with a ton of pelvic anatomy questions and a ton of repro questions but luckily, I had studied for repro using pathoma. I do think I failed every anatomy question though....sigh...here's to praying that it all works out in the end... I guess I have never felt good after standardized exams. I'm not particularly good at them...SAT gave me nightmares, MCATs made me cry...at least I didn't cry after the test today lol. My family la

With three more days till the exam, I'm getting more and more anxious. I guess I'm mostly scared to fail this thing. It's not like the MCATs where you get to try again. Of course, if you fail Step 1, you can retake it but it just looks really bad... after all,it is what a lot of residencies use to determine whether you are "interview material" whatever that means. Ha! Today, I got up to go to lab meeting at 7am....but didn't go to bed last night till 4am so I was super tired. I thought I could pull a full 16 hour day of studying but instead, I got home, studied for an hour, and napped for 3. Needless to say, my plan of 16-18hr study days have not been going well...thank god this will all end soon (for better or worse). I also decided today that I can't get through 800 more world questions and finish BRS physiology, pathoma, and First Aid. Since I've gone through world once already, I decided to just scrape it. I'm 3 chapters away from finishin

So I had a blog....till the Chinese Government blocked it while I was in China (more on that later) and I thought to myself...what better time to start another one. I mean, my Step 1 board exam is 4 days away and instead of studying, I've decided to procrastinate here. The truth is, sometimes I wonder how much I'm actually learning and why any of it is important. It seems like like years before I will use any of this "knowledge" and by that time, maybe ACE inhibitors won't be the go to drug for diabetics with hypertension and IL-1 will be called by another name. Lol. Just the other day, I went to the pharmacist to pick up my prescription for back pain and he preceded to warn me about the side effects of Tramadol for 15min. When I informed him I had just studied the drug, he looked at me and laughed....a) he didn't believe that I was in med school and b) he didn't believe I wouldn't abuse the drug....so much for this education of mine.